listening, aphrodite?

when you were not nigh
all was such as it is
the limitless horizon, limitless
the unending road, unending
the empty goblet, empty

and now
the goblet, the road, the color of the sky
is the color of my heart before it bleeds to death

crystal, the color of sweet reunion
and the gray of a desolate moment;
the color of autumn leaves, of a thorny desert
and the flaming red of a rosery in bloom
the color of death
the color of blood
the color of a moonless night

the horizon, the road, the goblet
a story of a thousand tears
of throbbing pain;
a reflection in the mirror
treacherous, deviant, changing every instant

now
that you are come
stay
so that some color, some mood, something
gains permanence
and once again
everything is as it is
the limitless horizon, limitless
the unending road, unending
the empty goblet, empty

- A transliteration of Faiz Ahmed Faiz's 'Rung Hai Dil Ka Meray'

first principle

I
inebriated, repudiated, perforated
resembling that wretched rag-doll
the one the dog hated;
faded,
jaded,
infuriated
but perhaps, as time unfolds,
emancipated?

then again,
whose to say how,
or which way,
things are fated;
at the end,
will only the vow of silence stand consummated?

silence, so vocal, more than the maddening crowd,
silence, so opaque, more than a funeral shroud,
silence, so harsh, so loud,
commanding me,
compelling me,

I, so justly adjudicated,
I, so appreciably depreciated,

to break out, break free
of the bounds,
the suffocating confines,
of me,
myself
and I.

the conundrum

Lately, all my life has been is one big 'I don't wanna!' but with foolproof reasoning behind not wanting to do that which I am not doing. So, here's the deal. I don't want to hit the books for the civil services exam because they just seem so boring to me now. After all, haven't I attained some sort of Confuscian wisdom that really needs no more intellectual augmentation? I don't want to continue with my job at the bank because its too meaningless (as if I have a clue as to what 'meaning' means)! I don't want to socialise or even get out of the house because all humanity is evil (and i'm a reincarnation of the Lord Buddha, albeit a bit farther away from nirvana). I don't want to express my feelings lest they cause long-term hurt and acrimony all around(and there is sufficient precedent for me to be convinced of that). I don't want to let people close, to have them take a peek into my soul lest this pseudo-philosophical facade I have is compromised and I am unmasked for the shallow fool I undoubtedly am. I don't want to be nice to my folks because they haven't been nice to me, but through no fault of their own or mine. I don't want to be not nice with my folks because they're my folks after all. I don't want to believe in God because I have evolution all figured out. I don't want to believe in evolution because them looney scientists change theories faster than I change underwears. I don't want to embrace the world because it is wicked and oppressive. I don't want to embrace the weak and the oppressed because I don't even know where to find them. Do they really exist? I don't want friends because they're all just selfish bastards in the end. But then, I don't want to be alone because that plays with my head, trumps up my insecurities and those childhood complexes of being unclean and unworthy that are beginning to resurface after quite a few years of dormancy. I don't want to view everything in my life through the prism of my own selfish interest because that's just plain unethical. And then, when I am unethical, I don't want to blame myself because it is all about what one wants for one's self ultimately; survival, the most selfish of human instincts. I don't want to pray because what good are prayers that are never answered, what good is faith that does not fulfil its basic purpose, spiritual satisfaction for the believer? I don't want to forsake religion though because the individual is not even as significant as a speck in the greater scheme of things. What if there really is a Hand giving motion to the 'circles of the heavens and the earth'? I don't want to laugh lest they think I'm too expressive in joy. I don't want to cry lest they think I'm too expressive in pain. With all of this going on, should I really be surprised when I guffaw for no obvious reason staring at the walls, or break into tears just like that, or close the door to the bathroom and scream at the top of my lungs, or give my head small, abrupt jerks in the hope that that would return some sanity to it? Should I really be worried about me going crazy? Nonetheless, I am open to all sorts of suggestions for things I might want to do in this mortal existence. Although, it would only be ethical of me to state beforehand that only those ideas will be entertained that are backed up with reasonings as sound as the ones I have presented for my actions, or lack thereof.