Free as a bird...

Finally, im out of LUMS for good. Ive been told it’s the end of an era but the only thing I feel at the moment is indifference. As a matter-of-fact, it’s just the right mixture of joy and sadness with both these opposites canceling each other out such that it leaves my head in a state of perfect balance; or at least that is what I feel. The first four years at LUMS I will always regard as the best time of my life. But I still don’t understand what happened in the last year…im as confused as the day I was born! But im comfortably numb to everything now. I only wish this devil-may-care attitude had developed earlier…would have saved me a whole lotta pain. Anyway, I still cant say I have severed all ties, broken all strings. They still owe me money; quite a lot of money. And well, there are still people at LUMS I really like, look up to even. So, I honestly cant say that I don’t want anything to have to do with LUMS at least for the time that these people are there. Aur paisa lenay aur recommendations likhwane toh jana hee pare ga!

And since there’s no job now and no parhai, I have too much time on my hands these days. So Im nurturing my irritating knack for philosophizing, and worse still, of articulating my theories with such vehemence it scares even myself. Essentially, what the events of November 2004 to May 2005 have done is they have made me into a braying donkey…and I hate it! I want my old self back; the guy with the spontaneous sense-of-humor which sometimes showed depth, not this half-baked philosopher who thinks he’s too wise for the world. If I were in my parents’ place, I would have beaten the crap outta myself. But my folks are showing remarkable restraint as always! And so, the philosophy grows. Right now, I have this interesting philosophy on drugs and booze. Now what I think is that in a society like ours, there are two kinds of people who actually go ahead and lose themselves in drugs and alcohol. The first category is of those people who don’t give a damn about anything but themselves. They think themselves to be at the top of the world, better than everyone else around them, and ‘nasha’ therefore becomes a way of reinforcing that belief. Now the other kind are those who care about many things in the world but the complex social web that mankind has woven around itself bounds them such that they feel totally powerless. Circumstances spiral out of control and fate deals them such a crappy hand that they sink into a state of utter frustration and helplessness. And in this helplessness they look for cheap escapes. And ‘nasha’ is nothing but a cheap, momentary escape. Although, one must admit, once your tunn or high, you can actually look into alternative realities, different shades of people’s personalities. And it is then that you realize, there are not many people out there who are willing to extend a helping hand. Most just want to see the ‘tamasha’ of someone not in his senses, have a bit of fun and be on their way. And it is in such moments of weakness, moments of truth for some, that it dawns upon you: no matter what you do for someone, no matter how many illusions of friendship you hold for someone, you should always expect to be screwed over by that same someone. Some screw you over and then gloat about it, broadcast their achievement over gossip circles, wear it around like a badge of honor. Others screw you over, turn around and blame you for it, then without the slightest hesitation throw you away like you would hurl a banana peel. And then there is a third category; people who come up to you and try to make you understand how pathetically naïve, if not stupid, you have been. Even if u take it as a given that you are stupid, does that justify how you have been treated? Lets talk in analogies…if you walk up to a blind man on the street and knock him down, who would be to blame? If u steal candy from a 3-yr old, whose fault would it be? Social Darwinists, all of us! It is life you’re told. You’re meant to hurt some, get hurt by others. Well at least the latter’s been done. What you and these self-righteous detractors don’t get is that with each new wound they open, they are giving you strength, wisdom even. They are chipping away at your naïveté, the blind trust you put in the world. They are building in you the ability to detach yourself from human beings and to see people as mere pawns in the game of life. Maybe, the end-result will be the creation of a monster. Right about now, there is indifference; indifference and a stubborn determination to push forward leaving all the mess behind, to engage in the struggle that is life itself and not waste much time in lamenting over notions such as ‘friendship’ and ‘sincerity’ that are obsolete in the modern urban world. You know it only gets tougher from here on, but at least now you have the balls to say:

Haan talkhi-e-ayyaam abhi aur barhe gi
Haan ahl-e-sitam mashq-e-sitam karte rahenge

Manzoor yeh talkhi, yeh sitam hum ko gawaara
Dam hai to madaawa-e-alam karte rahenge

Maikhana salaamat hai to hum surkhi-e-mai se
Tazzain-e-dar-o-baam-e-haram karte rahenge

Ek tarz-e-taghaaful hai so woh unko mubaarak
Ek arz-e-tamanna hai so hum karte rahenge

- Faiz Ahmed Faiz

Musings IV

der teday uttey aa giya haan, kol meday kujh kainee
khaali medi jholi hay, kya lafz akhaan sujh kainee
mataan naal salook ala powein, eeho hasrat hay hujj kainee
taheen gaal medi icch yaar hasni, sawal taan hay lujh kainee

- Hasni Khan

Musings III

na dekh tamashe duniya de, noot akheen o banda
jende naal keetohee changee, ooho karesha ganda
mukhlis bunranr toon behter hayee khaa beh maa da manda
zindgi buss hunr eenvein hay jeevein howay maut da phanda

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be ghhut hun roag zindgi de, duss voye hasni khana
pehle kadhaan na honda havee mizaaj aida shairana
dunya diyaan rangeenian icch kyoon disda hayee veerana
such toon muun lukavanr da kya ay hayee nawa bahana?

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gham apna tekoon ne bhulda toray hin ayaam aza de
bachpan toon jerhe miliye hun o bhul gin sabuq haya de
sacha hayeen avalre hun teday naal halaat jafa de
per yaad rakhein muun lagna hayee mahsher icch chun Zahra de

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dard jerhe dil vichalay hondin
sab zakhman toon nirale hondin
ay o daagh hondeni yaar Langah
jiti waqt langhe utti kaale hondin

- Hasni Khan

Musings II

peesaan sharaab ishq dee wala wala peesaan
wa'ada hay ay faqeer da jay tayeen jeesaan
oye mulla toon de fatwe te ruj ke la tazeeraan
kauser toon peesaan mein pehle, tu karesen faqat reesaan

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dekh keh chehra surkh-o-siah ay loag mekoon bezaar aadhin
jay deed vanje meday zakhman do, mekoon sajan bhira bemaar aadhin
sunr keh kahani dardaan dee, kujh aise hin bekaar aadhin
wal buzdili te be-aqli koon ay loag meda kirdaar aadhin
darust hay sab, manenda haan, sab such aadhin jo yaar aadhin
per arz mein hik karenda haan, toray gaal koon ay be-baar aadhin
jadanr ghul vanje koee yaar uttoon, een mojze koon eesaar aadhin
jerha jigger de tukre veil ginre, hoon bande koon dildar aadhin
jayn shay koon gum thhein arsa thhey, oon shay koon dil da qarar aadhin
jekoon waqt da dhara koh rakhe, oonkoon zindgi toon lachaar aadhin
hunr rooh aadhay thee chup vanjaan, na gaal ba'ee mein aakhaan
bahoon ghhut hin loag een dunya te, jerhay eeho jhayn afkaar aadhin

- Hasni Khan

Musings

hayeen ishq dee zalim nagri da toon khalid bin waleed
jigger meday de tukre ker theendee tedi eid saeed
dukh dariavan lorh ke sohna, na wal tein keetee deed
buss minat hay ay bahoon thhak giya haan kerr hoslay naal shaheed

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wafa keetohee yaar ajeebay
keeta wasda dil meda ghareebay
koee gaal na baat, sabab taan dus
kyoon bunr bethon aap raqeebay

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lagate kyoon ho Haider kee shaan pe kus
kya pharak rahee hai tumharee haram ki nus?
bhool gaye goya woh din saqeefay ka
jab Ali ke liye thaa Khuda ka Rasool buss!

- Hasni Khan

Sargodha: before and after...

From the 13th of Moharram to the 6th of March, with a bad back, i was on a marathon trip to the rural areas of Tehsil Shahpur, District Sargodha, slaving away and loving every bit of it. First we mapped, then we surveyed. One gains a lot of self-respect when one discovers new reserves of stamina and realises that he is not as incompetent as he had thought himself to be. Anyhow, had the opportunity of seeing the former stronghold of Tiwana glory, Kalra: rotting, but beautiful in its decay. Spent hours of unnecessary meditation on the grave of Al-Haj General Sir Malik Umer Hayat Khan Tiwana (A-Z to the King Emperor). Aik khwahish reh gayee hai...to climb the minar of Kalra's masjid. We shall do that too someday inshAllah. In other villages, the local mob boss wouldnt let go off my hand, had to socialise with the biradri of one terrorist, and enjoyed sprawling in the lawns of a magnificent haveli, all topped off with a visit to Alipur Noon to personally witness the glaring contrast between Kalra and that amazing showcase of the Noon fortune. and the team was great...had too much fun in the evenings. on the downside though, came back with a new ugly craving but hoping to keep this one under control. on the whole, being called the backbone of the devolution project was one reward i wasn't expecting at all.

there has been a great silence since the return from Sargodha, something i remain unable to comprehend. old ghosts coming back to haunt me i guess. the trip opened a lot of old wounds and may have created a few new ones. but one thing is for sure; the only thing i sought to save is more or less lost too. and im sure its my fault...has to be; no other reason appeals to the mind. on the brighter side of life, when you see people who truly deserve each other come together there is nothing but happiness that you can feel. strangely though, even more happiness than those people themselves. but then i have been called the 'exhibitor of extreme emotions'! and i do need some happiness, a change-of-mood at least, these days.

anyway, came back with a greater appreciation of Ghalib, a deeper understanding if you will. and what was that he said:
'aah ko chahiye aik umr asar honay tak,
kaun jeeta hai teri zulf ke sar honay tak?'

Moharram

the time for soul-cleansing is upon me again. one more opportunity to get my bearings straight, refresh my mind, think of a higher purpose and a greater cause and to get things into perspective after definitely one of the most tumultous times in my life. but im sure none of the above is going to happen...ive lost too much of my faith i guess. and a rejuvenation of faith is unlikely unless something truly dramatic and out-of-the-ordinary happens. anyway, i do hope my bosses dont stand in the way of my plans. i will not stay a moment longer than the night of the 7th. i even feel guilty about not leaving earlier.

the question of how the Shias can weep and lament over an incident that happened 1400 yrs ago often confounds people. well i cannot say for the community on the whole (im hardly a religious person beyond these 10 days) but what i think is that, generally speaking, if ur a sensitive person the events as well as the context and the aftermath of the tragedy may very well move you to tears. on top of that, if the love of the people with whom this atrocity occured at Karbala has been drilled into you since the day you were born it is only natural to feel sad and appalled at the treatment metted out to them. personally, i may question the purpose of God and religion but i still have immense respect for the Prophet's family, primarily because it was programmed into me and secondly because history has done nothing to make me think otherwise. they truly stand out there as the 'greats' of mankind. and lastly, as your life progresses and you collect hurts and misfortunes of your own, moharram takes a whole new significance, for me at least. you start relating your own sorrows with what befell the Imam and his family at Karbala and then your head is all set to explode. for some, it is like submitting to a higher cause, a greater sacrifice, which dwarfs their own exitence and its problems; for others, its like using a historical tragedy to vent their own rage-frustration-helplessness-anguish. for many, its a little bit of both. ill give an example. when my chacha was murdered a majlis was held a week after, as tradition dictates, for his eesaal-e-sawab. in this majlis, the zakir chose to narrate the events of the martydom of Ali Akbar, 18-yr old son of Imam Hussein. now everyone had heard this story hundreds of times before but this time the context was totally different. my Dada went into a long swoon since he himself being an old man had just a week ago buried the body of his young son. i was not present at this majlis but from all accounts it must have been heart-wrenching for all of my family.

Hussein Mehboob te Mohib icch visaal-e-awal dee guftugu hay
Hussein aj da Hussein kainee azal toon pehle dee justuju hay
kamaal rutba hay Anbia da, Hussein da hay azeem rutba
hay saarian dee arzoo Allah, Hussein Allah dee arzoo hay

this rubae'e is sufficient to prove that moharram has spun a whole culture around itself which is just as exquisite as any other literary tradition on the planet, if not more. if ur not a Shia by birth, you simply got to see to believe. the seraiki 'Mahroo' is one more great example of the culture of moharram.

Closure?!

this one word got me into my first big phadda with the boss! although it didnt develop into anything serious it was yet another reminder of how badly my life needs direction. im thinking whether i should reconsider my plans to leave March 30.

eid was uneventful as usual. met up with some cousins after quite some time...that was fun! anyway, i now realize that i have been played. people have been extremely selfish and yes, I have been stabbed in the back. i have given more than my share in maintaining my friendships but i wonder if anything has been reciprocated. and strangely enough i dont find myself in the forgiving-and-forgetting mood this time. i might have my priorities sorted but that is certainly not how i've been treated. lets see if settling a score is my style as well cos it sure as hell is an ancestral trait! there's a limit to how much a Langah can stand being taken for granted and its time to rethink stuff; my worldview before anything else. if i sacrifice my wants and feelings at the altar of friendship the least i deserve is some respect and gratitude. yup...closure is what is finally needed!

sooli chadhaee ludkand taan day
hadiyaan medeyaan kudkand taan day
be-dard chun be-wuss dee mun
kuttha jo haee phudkand taan day

The Evil Office...

the kindsa tricks this square box of an office can play on ur hapless mind is scary. i blame all my miseries of late 2004 on the occult atmosphere of this room. that and the general loneliness around campus. having food alone at the PDC for more than three nights in a row can be a killer i swear! LUMS in my current situation stands for Loneliness Under Meditated Suicide. anyway, March 20 is not that far off. uss ke baad i have no clue where im headed! hope to dear God Almighty Sargodha is fun and not a repeat of Faiselabad, although u can never really tell with these bloody Punjabis!

hehehe...really screwed my little fashionable cousin's mind over with the Arain/Baloch conspiracy. the irritant factor in my personality has gone up considerably i must say. also, ive realized that im not the moron i always made myself out to be. kaafi fit banda hoon mein with my 'priorities sorted'! to the casual reader these claims to newfound self-respect might seem highly superficial and somewhat arrogant but believe me, i came to this conclusion after wading through some serious shit. never before have all my faculties been tested so fully and mercilessly! now...im the Lizard King, i can do anything!

all melodrama and self-glorification aside, i have decided that my firstborn son will be named 'Balaach'. Balaach Haider Khan Langah...what a name, i say what a name! waah saeen waah, yaani keh what a name! anyway, came across this ruba'ee. dont know who it is by but it is absolutely amazing:

jab Hur ka gunnaah Shah-e-Ummam(A.S.) ne bakhsha
katre ko sharaf behr-e-karam ne bakhsha
gardoon se sada ayee ke ay Sibt-e-Nabi(PBUH)
bakhsha jisse tu ne usse humm ne bakhsha

Mujra!

never before have I felt all my systems overheat so dangerously and my wallet being drained so freely and carelessly. but it was fun while it lasted. quite worth the risk im taking by taking such a long time off from work. am pretty sure that once i get back to the office, im in for one major-time ass-whooping! but one thing the ass-whoopers should understand and accept without questioning: even if i didnt deserve this break, i needed it! now ill go back batteries fully charged, totally off my knees and with a head pretty much clear of the terrible confusions that december wrought. now at least they wont have a zombie sitting there in 237A staring at the walls doing absolutely nothing productive. and God bless family! there's nothing like the feeling that no matter what deep shit ur in ull always have ur family as a protective net...the kind they have for tightrope walkers in the circus! these are people who are willing to put up with all ur vicious mood swings and ignore all ur misbehaviors and give u unconditional love and support. and u actually think that with such great people around everything and everyone else in the world can go to hell! but does that ever really happen?!?

Abidaaah!

the queen of sufi music delivered what was expected of her and more. as they say 'imaan taaza kerr diya'! even those who could not understand the lyrics were in a state of trance. quite an ego-booster for me too...pretty girls kept asking me the meaning of the Seraiki/Punjabi lyrics. sure feels good to be in touch with ur cultural roots! but lemme reiterate what i say quite often...to really enjoy sufi music, for the spirituality to really sink into your soul, u just got to be Shia! everyone can enjoy the beat and the rhythm, but only when ur Shia can u make a meaningful connexion with the words!

and what's a mehfil-e-ishq without a bit of spirit? 'Saqi tujhe qasam hai Janab-e-Amir ki...behtee rahe sharaab mein kashti faqir ki'! and i promise u...there is no better recipe for a trip to the highest peaks of spiritual ecstasy! the music takes u by the scruff of the neck and ur body twists and thrashes with every change-in-tone of the singer's voice. Abida Parveen's in a better position to explain 'lose urself' to the world than that wannabe rapper eminem anyday.

on the personal side of affairs, the next few months are showing full promise of being the winter of my discontent. still in the process of getting up off my knees...is proving to be quite difficult! everyone around me seems to be in deep shit too...sab psycho ho gaye hain! hasni my friend, life does not get to you alone.

'naddi kinare dhuwaan utthe, mein janoon kucch hoye,
jiss karan mein jogan hoyee, kaheen wohi na jalta hoye...'

Convocation 2004

so, it has come to this...the grand finale...dressed like a goddamn freak I collect my certificate. Ammi, Baba extremely proud...tears in their eyes. Tears in mine as well: 'there's too much confusion, can't get no relief'! Nothing to look forward to at all. Everyone will go back in a coupla days and its gonna be the same ol crap all over again. And the worst bit is...all the bloody genetic sentimentality of centuries had to concentrate itself into me! Like youshey said 'Dude, ur problem is sentimental diarrheoa.' Sala sahee kehta hai! But how huge a moron would I be if i said there is pleasure to be had in depression and self-loathing. Anyway, the Meekaal Hassan Band rocked the casbah...hope Abida Parveen does the same on Saturday!

Confused...

yesterday: 'your love is teaching me how to kneel....'
today: 'please, please, please...get up off your knees now, please'