exhale...
Sunday, November 17, 2024
birthday '24
Friday, November 17, 2023
birthday '23
I am up. I am up, but I don’t want to get up. I will lie here, without budging an inch, eyes tightly shut. I don’t want that single ray of light breaking through that crack in the curtains hurting my eyes, ravaging my mind; that one ray of light whose sole purpose is to wake me up, get me up, dress me up, fuck me up.
So no, I don’t want to get up, this day, or any other day. Why should I get up anyway? What does this day have to offer? As soon as it begins, I will need to take a deep-dive into abject servility. Every person that I meet will try and educate me on which end is up. And I will only be left loathing myself for allowing every dipshit into my mind, to play with the monsters that lurk in all its dark recesses. Every moment of the day will be filled with dread, of a phone call or a message or an email portending imminent doom. The mourning for my lack of a spine will begin early, as will the realization of how little I know of the world, and how easy it is for even the most superficially clever to run circles around me.
I will be overwhelmed way before the day is out. I will seek emotional support from those who ought to be looking towards me instead. And when I see the fear and the confusion and the incapacity in their eyes, my inadequacies will begin their naked dance of reproof. I will writhe and ferment and despair in my own head until I can take it no more. All because of that one sneaky, unwelcome ray of light. Where is my ray of light? That can blind me to my own miserable self; that can lift me up from oblivion and give me a fleeting sense of being alive?
Go away, stealthy, slinky ray from an unwanted sun. I am not getting up, not until my eyes refuse to stay shut any longer; or my bladder bursts.
Saturday, September 16, 2023
a hospice for bruised souls
Thursday, November 17, 2022
birthday '22: The Big 40
Trustee old device;
here I sit
one more time,
contemplating your dirty screen,
forcing through
verse and rhyme.
For I can’t write.
Not since
my nasty wound is healed,
my sinister scars
beneath fresh skin
concealed.
Not since
my mornings
of the most cynical taint,
see me wake up
without slightest complaint;
Or my days
in the grip of fate,
keep giving me a reason
to hope
and wait.
I can’t write.
What if it’s time
to bid you adieu?
Because
until my days
regain their familiar
desolate
hue;
and body
and soul
are lacerated
anew,
I can’t write.
Saturday, June 25, 2022
a nightmare in '93
Friday, May 13, 2022
the dying Sutlej valley!!
اس سال گرمی پہلے سے زیادہ پڑرہی ہے جس نے فصلوں کا بہت نقصان کیا ہے بارش بلکل نہیں ہوئی ریگستانی علاقوں میں پانی کی کمی کی وجہ بارش کا نہ ہونا بھی ہے۔ ریگستان میں زیر زمین پانی کی کوالٹی کبھی بھی اچھی نہیں رہی، حسنین حیدرhttps://t.co/90bJvRxtvg pic.twitter.com/CBl5SBsaEU
— NayaDaur Urdu (@nayadaurpk_urdu) May 13, 2022